Humanity Discovered

I just realized about 5 minutes ago, how I fucked up on my feminist journey. Its not that I was wrong, or even out of line. I just completely lost my humanity. I wouldn't allow myself to be vulnerable, to care about people who don't agree with me. I lived in a black and white mentality, which wasn't necessarily the problem either. Just because someone is wrong in my eyes doesn't make them evil. I don't have to be best friends with them or even discuss the things that we don't agree on. But the fact that I was metaphorically spitting on every pro-life, hunter, man's face wasn't productive. I still have problems with people telling me what to do with my body. I don't like people talking about the animals they murdered. And I am still uneasy with a lot of men. But that will take time and I have the right to not like those things as long as I respect the people for being people. I, however, have problem with the Women's Center that will not be remedied that easily, I have been typecast by them and they have a history of not listening to me.

Walking Alone

I walk alone at night. I do. There is very little anyone can say or do to change this. I have had many people try to convince me otherwise or order me to change my methods. But I like walking, I feel lazy taking the bus, and I shouldn't have to avoid walking. I understand that as a woman I am taking unnecessary risks, which could endanger my life. The more people tell me I can't do something, the more likely I am to do it. I am told constantly by the people I live with to take the bus, or if I want to go for a walk, I need to have someone with me. I have also been commanded to take pepper spray, when I carry a knife and wrench regularly and it is proven that pepper spray is more dangerous.
I have on two distinct occasions I have had someone walk me home or to my car, but (though he feels I shouldn't walk alone) does not tell me I have to or make me feel unsafe. If I ask him, he would walk me but he does not impose. This is what I like and what makes me okay with it.

I guess my issue is why I need to be walked home? What about me needs to be sheltered and protected?

The other night, my friend Breann and I were going to a party. It was dark and she wasn't comfortable walking home and to the party alone. So she asked me, knowing I walk armed and my tough demeaner. I was her first choice. She could have asked a guy. So why is it that there are some people who believe I am truly competent and others who feel that I am not?

Feminist Retirement: Hanging up the Tutus

Okay maybe not that dramatic, but I am thinking of giving up feministy things for a while. Its too stressful and makes me too bitter. I have handed over the internship and I finished my Women's Studies already. I feel that I am a much nicer and more fulfilled person without it. I can talk to men without them waiting for me to hurt them in some way or me thinking they are going to hurt me. I feel that I am more pleasant and frankly, I am a lot more chill. I dont care what people really say as long as its not a rape joke(that's something I react to, not think about). Otherwise I dont care, words are words. I will still be a feminist encyclopedia and the go-to girl when one of my grrrls needs something, but I'm too tired to fight. Its exhausting and it doesn't help me deal with my issues the way I originally thought it would. I used to think that I was stronger because of feminism, but I think now I was always strong and if anything feminism was something I hid behind, that held me back.

I was a radical feminist, some days postmodern queer theorist, but I think now I am more of a practical feminist. I believe that is what I was in high school. I'll fight the fight when I have to, but I dont need to go looking for a fight. I'm growing up, I'm not that bratty teenager anymore. Yes, I am aware of what is going on in the world. And I will never forget the things that happened in my life that made me a feminist, but I need more in my life than anger. As long as I am a feminist fighting for what is 'right' (which is a subjective concept that many times I do not actually agree with), I will always be angry and bitter and I will never move on and heal my own wounds. Because honestly, I have learned that your wounds dont heal by stabbing another. I have learned compassion and I have realized how much harm I have done to myself and to others, in the name of feminism(and don't try to tell me that anything I did wasn't feminist, I dont believe in feminist crack)

Accepting being Wrong

I have always prided myself on being firm in my opinions and having an opinion about everything. But lately I have been put up to question opinions I have declared. There are few things where I am actually torn on how I believe, most things I am very set in my ways. I am having trouble dealing with two right answers or being able to be two opposing forces at once. I just want to help and really I want to help women, because that is what I do. She is making me realize this more and more. And frankly she has been making me realize how wrong I have been and how big my blinders were. Because as she put it, would I hate her and judge her for doing the same kind of thing? Probably not. And what if I was to do the same sort of thing one day? So why would I have one set of rules for her or myself and another for everyone else?

In Honor of a Few Good Men(and Women)!

I grew up being taught American Pride, respect and loyalty, not only by my parents but also by my teachers. My dad was in the Navy, and as much as I hated him being gone, it was a fact of life, almost everyone had a parent or sibling in the military. If anyone said anything trying to attack the military, we were on them, that didn't fly down there. We may not have liked the system or even some of the local squids but it was never about their military status. I guess what I am trying to say is that I can't understand living in a place where its alright to bash the military and hating America is perfectly fine. When I say something against the military bashers or anti-patriotism, I am either made to feel like something is wrong with me or people get mad at me. I dont get it. (people are also not fond of me saying: if you dont like it here...leave)
Yeah there are a lot of problems in this country especially with the government, but you know what? It can be changed, ya know if people truly gave a damn enough to do so. I bitch about the justice system, because thats where my major issues are, and who knows maybe one day I'll end up in law school so I can fix it, but I'm not about to run to Canada expecting it to be better there. I have personally thought about joining the Navy more than once these past 2 years but I dont know if I can do that to my dad, I know he never would want his daughter there, and I have to respect that. But just because the military is not the place I can be right now doesn't mean that I would ever not fully support the people in it.
A lot of this came to me today because at work today Jen and I met this man who was a vet living at the VA in St Cloud, who came in for a shampoo and cut. He was a very nice man who was regailing his war stories to Jen as she cut his hair and then was telling us about how he saved a couple men's lives and then the part that touched me the most was when he told us how he stopped two women from getting raped. I almost started crying right there. You dont see that too much around here. Men don't seem to stand up against other men to help a woman that they dont even know. Thats a kind of honor and respect I miss from back home. I have only met one civilian who would do that, every other man I know that would do something like that is military.  And in honor of the 4th and that man: Thank you to the men and women who put their lives on the line everyday so that I am safe and have the rights that I do have!

Giants Got Heart!

So I have always had an affection for baseball boys, but these amazing men are truly inspirational. Anytime an athlete actually stands up for something true, it touches my heart. These men, who participate in a world of misogyny and homophobia are actually talking to kids about how the teen years are tough and it'll all be okay. And mostly I find that these are the heroes of LGBT kids' bullies so if they are supporting the kids that are being bullied it might make the bullies think twice.

The Instruments of Sexism

I am determined to become a riot grrrl and therefore I need to learn how to play an instrument. I picked the guitar. Well my acoustic sucks and I want an electric so I went all over town to pawn shops and music stores looking. The pawn shops were fine, but the music stores I felt very out of place in. All of them had men working in them. The first showed me some guitars, not really telling me much and they were all very overpriced. The second place only had two electrics and he looked at me like I was a freak. The third place where I got my guitar, I talked with both men. The first was probably in his 30's and he showed me some stuff, and was giving me a piece of guitar/music history and basic knowledge. I had planned to get a Fender and then at this place I was told that they tend to be foreign made, which doesn't go over all that well with me. The second man was quite a bit older, I would say 60's and he couldn't understand my not wanting an acoustic. I felt that this was definately a gendered expectation. It wasn't until the woman who also worked there came in for work that someone believed I could play an electric and she never questioned it. She said that I would have no problems and that I was already on the right track. She also went and got a guitar that she said she loved and handed it to me to try. It ended up being the one I bought. It just felt right. Its a bit beat up and its not as pretty as the pink one I really liked, but its a silver sparkle and it plays nice. I love it. It was a good fit. I just felt like the many women who came before me when they wanted to break into a male dominated passion.

Falling for Feminism

I occasionally lose my affections for feminism, with all the bullshit in the major and people trying to parade humanism around as feminism, I sometimes lose my passion. I hate censoring my opinions but I often feel that they may be too strong and people are turned off by how adament I am about them. But in the last month two things happened to me. I met someone who is possible more opinionated than me and I started really delving into the riot grrrl movement. I have had a passion for Kathleen Hanna from Bikini Kill/Le Tigre for a while, but she is really influencing me now. I feel like she is the closest established feminist to what would be my feminist theory. She's rather radical but she is also practical and emphasizes grrrl power over general "equality." She is my hero. Between Kathleen Hanna and this other person in my life, I am utterly motivated to do something with myself. I am planning on getting an electric guitar(maybe trading in my acoustic) and learning how to play. I started writing lyrics already, I want to perform. I want to allow myself to fall in love with feminism again!

Dabbling in Veganism

So for the past 7 days I have dabbled in veganism the best I can. I wanted to see what it was like and be better able to understand those people who choose to be vegan. I had been vegetarian be.fore but I never thought I could give up dairy. Giving up meat is not really that much of a problem. I might miss chicken and turkey but its not really all that difficult for me to live without. This whole week I was focused on dairy: does this have milk in it? type of thing. I have experienced symptoms of withdrawl from dairy though. My entire body aches and I've had a headache for almost the whole week. But overall, I feel a lot better. I do, however, get sugar cravings now. I have learned the difficulties of shopping and eating as well as coordinating life while being vegan, sure I have only gone a week but I am considering making this permanent. I like it. I will never give up my leather jacket though, plus its not like I bought it new, it died before I was born.

So I've Been Thinking...

I have grappled with my sexuality for quite some time now and I am finally coming to a conclusion I should have come to a long time ago and in a way did: I have no definable sexuality. I came out as this in 10th grade jokingly but its true. Nothing fits other than that. I cannot be defined. I'm going to love who I love, or like who I like and I wont always be able to explain it. I'm not straight, but I'm not really gay either. I dont like the label of bisexual because its limiting and has bad stigma. Pansexual is also not a good fit because I dont know if I would be attracted to all genders, since I haven't encountered all of them yet. So I guess I will just have to learn to accept that I cannot be defined. I had a hard time when I liked this one guy after swearing off men for 3.5 years, and yeah I will admit he was much like the other MN guys from my past, not abusive, but still an asshole.
In conclusion, I am not saying I am straight or that I'm not gay. I am saying that I think I am ready to be open to loving a person regardless of their sex or gender.

Insecurities and Abuse

Thursday in WS capstone, I realized something. People really don't see me as I am. My strong opinions and blunt way of expressing them apparently give off an air of confidence and security. But the funny thing is, I am not secure at all. If it wasn't for my opinions and how much feminist research I do, it would be more obvious, that I am one of the most insecure people ever. I have a rule that I use in my feminist classes and that is the trinity of knowledge: 1.) Know something 2.) Know what you know 3.) Know what you don't know. And with that you can easily sail through any class or argument.
But as for my insecurities, to start with I have terrible body image. I mean you dont have an eating disorder without it. I cant stand going out somedays because I dont feel I look good in anything I own. Occasionally, nights like last night happen where I wore what I planned and I felt amazing, people kept telling me that I looked good and for one night I actually felt beautiful and was not insecure about how I looked(only about how I was dancing). But on the other hand I received flowers the day before from one of my best friends "because it was beautiful people appreciation day" and I still didn't feel pretty at all.
I am also rather insecure when it comes to dating/relationships, but not about the other person cheating or anything else, but about whether I am good enough or why am I not good enough? This is how I end up in bad relationships or unhealthy attractions. Often I end up with someone/or liking someone who initially makes me feel special and then I beat myself up when it doesn't work or I no longer feel special. This goes back to the eating disorder thing. If something goes wrong or even if its just not right/never was gunna be right, I feel that it is my fault and I blame myself, always attacking my looks first and then everything else. I also have a tendency to fall for people who treat me like shit. Dont know why, I just do. But I would have to say my most abusive relationship is with myself.

Sometimes you need to be a B!TCH

I am going to be a B!TCH. Not that I wasn't already one, but I mean I am seriously done keeping my mouth closed. I am a Women's Studies major because frankly I love womyn and I love being a womyn. But frankly, at this point if it doesn't have to do with womyn, I dont care. I am not concerned with more of the deeper politics. I hate the Matrix of Domination and intersections of oppressions.
But back to me being a bitch, I have completely realized that 1.) I scare people even when I'm not trying, so why fight it. 2.) Nothing ever gets done when you spend all your time compromising. 3.) It is rare for anyone to even try to challege you or attempt to mess with you.  I have met a few men that this doesn't apply to, one of which finds pure joy in making me angry, but luckily part of being a bitch is finding pure joy in making someone else look stupid. I have heard on more than one account (this semester) that my role in life is to "cook, clean and look pretty for a man." This originally came up on light crew in theatre, I'm guessing he didn't catch the 'lesbian' card. But then I was told about a comment that was made in one of my classes that I missed about how women should be staying home with the kids and that women should have to follow certain codes of dress and so on... I'm a little sad/angry/annoyed that I missed class. But in retrospect the likelihood he would have said that with me in the room is slim.

Jesus was an Unplanned Pregnancy

"Representatives supporting MCCL talked of God, Jesus being an unplanned pregnancy and the need to speak out for the voiceless. "

I feel this is slightly more original than their usual material, but still very laugh-worthy and mockable. Frankly this eliminates the "slut" argument because supposedly she was a virgin(which could be scientifically possible, but highly unlikely). First, would abortion have really existed and would she have known or had access to it?  She was just lucky that she wasn't stoned to death for getting pregnant out of wedlock. Second, she still birthed and took care of the child, showing that she made a decision to carry on with the pregnancy and "God's wishes." She may have been delusional, but she still made a conscious decison to be the mother of this child. Third, there are other unplanned pregnancies that end in birth, why must everything focus around a guy who may or may not have been divine? And if he hadn't been "good" would they still desperately want to prevent abortions in his name.

Are Blogs the New Zines?

In the early to mid-90's the riot grrrl movement was writing zines and music about the oppressions of women and criticizing the media.  I don't feel that this has actually stopped, but in a way transformed into something else. With the age of technology that we are living in, it is more practical and wide reaching to blog instead of zine. But what is lost by this transition? There is less personal involvement and passion to blogging than when creating a zine.  There was more room for expression with zines, at least on an artistic level. Drawings and sometimes writing styles are lost in the world of online blogging. That amazing passion that can be seen in some of the zines is often derogatory and provocative. These women use words that have commonly been used to oppress them to reclaim and throw back at their oppressors. Like how Kathleen Hanna will right 'SLUT' on her arm in marker or lipstick while flaunting kinderwhore styles, these zines will use the word 'CUNT' to invoke power and a voice for women.  But what lines are now drawn on the internet. Am I able to be taken seriously when I swear and use 'offensive' language or is that something truly lost now that we do not print our rants, do people even listen to any critical media nowadays? How in your face can you get on the internet?

Fighting with Femininity

So there is femininity, masculinity and androgyny. And that's pretty much it. You can blend them together, they are not set in stone; but its really hard to be both feminine and masculine at the same time. One will take from the other. For the past year and a half I had embraced femininity as a power source, something that could make a statement and show strength, but I am finding that I dont even take myself seriously when I am feminine. But yet I also feel awkward masculine. Either way people stare at me in public and thats hard for me. I actually hate the attention, which is why its funny that I own so many tutus and all that glitter. I love them, yes. But I actually dont love wearing them, I feel embarrassed by them and wish I could crawl in a hole. For most people this would come as a shock. Many people think I like to wear crazy clothing, but really I only like to do it when I either not alone, or when I am doing something else that makes me feel uncomfortable like tabling or leading an activist thing. I need to distract people away from me.  I do this in drag as well, I wear crazy looking outfits so that people look at my clothes and not my lack of dancing ability.
My issue with being more masculine is that I've learned feminine mannerisms and ways of speaking and acting so well that it will be hard to not imploy them. I dont want to be dressing like a guy and acting like a cheerleader. I curse my first roommate, Kelli for teaching me how to walk and act like a girl! And then I get crap on both sides for how I act and dress. If I go too femme, Ange tells me I'm acting weak. If I go too butch(or butch at all) everyone at school looks at me funny and asks why I'm dressed like that. I can't win!! I dont know what's right for me, thats something I need to experiment with to find out. I worry now that I cut my hair into a boyish skater cut(it was supposed to be a longer fauxhawk) that I am going to get a lot of crap for it.
I feel like there is nothing I can do to please people and they are going to assume a lot of things about me, no matter what I decide. As a feminist I believe in validating people's choices, I just wish people took that concept into every facet of people's lives. I am PRO-CHOICE. A person's sexuality is their choice, gender presentation/clothing styles, who they date, what they believe, what they do with their body. As long as you are not harming another person(directly) do whatever you want. Its none of my business.

It's Time to Talk About It...

This is the theme of the 2011 NEDA (National Eating Disorders Awareness) week. The idea of talking about it is a complex and difficult thing for me. I found it easier to come out in the LGBT community than to tell people about my eating disorder.  Mostly because I dont fit into the stereotypes of someone with an eating disorder. I have never been underweight or even close to being underweight and I fluxuate between disorders. I have many characteristics of anorexia such as preoccupation with weight, contstantly weighing myself and being able to calculate calories in my head, but I also have a tendency to binge eat when I am stressed out. I eat emotionally to cope with whatever and then later on I hate myself for it and restrict caloric intake.  Sometimes to make it simple I just consider myself a bulimic because of the bingeing and occasional purging.  I also have/had a problem with eating in front of people, being that I am obese, I constantly feel that people are going to judge me if I am seen eating. I feel like to be accepted I am supposed to be anorexic and losing weight and to be seen eating means I'm okay with being fat.

This all started to change around the end of January. In January my life started to fall apart; I wasn't graduating on time and I felt extremely alone, like no one in my life cared. But then during the very long decision making process I was going to minor in Mass Comm and make my dad proud...so on and so forth. Then I met this guy, he commented on my "got consent?" shirt and I was smitten. Ok, not quite smitten but intrigued by him. He got me involved with lighting in theatre, which is not really my thing but I got to play with tools, hangout on a catwalk and spend time with him. Seemed like a total win. And then it happened, we went out for dinner one night and I ate in front of him. I admit it felt a little awkward, but the point is I did it.  Then a couple days later on my birthday, my friend Sam, aka: the greatest person alive, took me out to lunch for my birthday and I ate without question. I even shared a sundae with her, a huge rich sundae. And though I felt like I might die from all the food, I loved every minute of it. [Plus I beat Sam at Skeeball]

I know that may seem like a long tangent, but my point is I feel I am now in a place in my life where I can move passed my bulimia. It will always be with me but it doesn't have to consume me. I have people in my life who are making this possible because I dont believe in therapy and rehab. The most important thing you can have is an awesome support system. [Addy Rose, Sam, Kayla, Angie and all the other people who also dont have a clue how they may have helped me]

Misogynistic Men on Mondays: Justin Bieber!

Everyone should've known I'd be doing a piece on him after that Rolling Stone article he did. It's sad to see hair that good on a head that stupid.

If by some act of "god" you haven't heard what the 12 er 16 year old popstar said about abortion and rape and sex before marriage:

 "I don't think you should have sex with anyone unless you love them," Bieber says. When asked if he believes in abstinence until marriage, Bieber – who is reportedly dating fellow teen star Selena Gomez – seems wary: "I think you should just wait for the person you're...in love with."

So...the Biebs doesn't believe in waiting for marriage, which I can accept. But honestly just page through the Rolling Stone article and "god" comes up a lot. Which makes this viewpoint rather convienent especially since he has a girlfriend.

"I really don't believe in abortion," Bieber says. "It's like killing a baby." How about in cases of rape? "Um. Well, I think that's really sad, but everything happens for a reason. I don't know how that would be a reason. I guess I haven't been in that position, so I wouldn't be able to judge that."

I don't know many people who believe in abortion, I may but I'm different. "It's like killing a baby," No, its like extracting a tapeworm. "Baby" is an abstract concept of a post-natal fetus and is not a technical medical term.  But hell, he did have a song called "Baby" and it did repeat the word rather frequently, maybe its all he knows. But really the tapeworm is a parasite much like a human embryo or fetus and cannot survive outside of a host.

J Biebs says that rape is really sad.(na duh) But then "everything happens for a reason." WTF! Yes, I am a strong believer of Fate, but for someone to pretty much say that god decided you needed to be raped so that it would further his plan is bullshit! And I agree Bieber hasn't been in that position, he doesn't (as far as we know) have a uterus and vagina which could be raped and impregnanted. He also gives us no clear indication that he would never rape or hurt a woman, for all we know it would be god's plan for something like that to happen.

So yeah, I'm not all that happy with Justin Bieber. His songs are alright, I guess. But he has what the Virginian Pilot called "unpopular opinions." It's not that these are just unpopular, they are uneducated. I don't believe that we should discount a 16 year olds opinions because of their age, but I doubt he really has opinions.  It feels more like he is repeating what he has heard and doesn't know how to comprehend the complexities of his answers. He's against abortion and wants to portray being against it, but few Lifers will even say they say pregnancy as a result of rape is "meant to be."

My issue is really he's a guy thinking he has a say on women's bodies. I dont care if the kid was his from the girl the thought he was in love with and subsequently coerced into sex, he has no right to tell her she can't abort it. Plus Bieber has a huge teenage girl following and many of these girls do not have the own opinions either and he has most likely influenced many of them to believe that abortion is wrong and that rape isn't a crime. The day he became an icon, he was given a huge amount of social responsibility and he's not using it the way he should.

When Do You Own Your Own Body?

I was walking through Walmart yesterday, trying to find cheap sunglasses, when I hear the scream of a small child. Normally this really doesn't bother me but this kid was in serious pain and I feel that its an American injustice on little girls.  This kid was hardly past being a fetus! She was tiny and screaming her head off while her mother(I assume) is holding her and the Walmart lady with the ear gun is puncturing her small lobes. The reasons this bothers me moves far past the little girl's pain and into my feminist realm. First, she was just born! She can't speak her wishes or express her desires in any other way than crying. Second, why would a woman work so hard to birth and child and then cause it pain, this doesn't make sense to me. Lastly, this has a connection to the motivation of FGM. Yes this is a less sexual version of a sexualized mutilation, but it is still a female child being mutilated for appearance and later attractiveness. The pierced ears on female infants is a marker of femininity. Pain is femininity? So how does this not fuck up society?

Hunter-Abuser Connection?

So I am a firm believer that hunters are evil. I may have a friend or two who hunt, but I cannot understand how someone can go out and plan to attack a helpless innocent creature, without its knowledge and not be a little fucked up in the head. First I have heard the 'just animals' arguement and its bullshit. Humans are 'just animals' too or did we forget that because Pope-whats-his-face decided that humans are better than animals. Well many people believe men are better than women, so does that make it right for men to kill women or to beat them as they like because again Pope-whats-his-face said that women are less than men. 
Women and animals are often placed into the same brackets of activism and 'sensitivity.'  Lies are told like with any other oppressive nature that there is something about them that makes them deserve that type of treatment or that they dont matter in the world as it is.
Now the reason for this rant: the guy messing with my happy man-hating feminist world 'confessed' to being a hunter.  This is complicated because he's one of those use everything hunters, but the way he was talking about it and some of the gruesome detail makes me wonder what he could do to be. Would he hurt me or another woman for that matter?

Republicans are Redefining Rape??? WTF!

The GOP feels they have the right to redefine what is rape and therefore use this limited definition to restrict women's access to abortion services. If a woman cannot prove she was 'forcibly raped' than she is not allowed to access federal dollars for the abortion. Also this could affect the access to Plan B which is required to be offered to women who go in for a rape kit. So if a woman doesn't look like she barely escaped with her own life she is not allowed to access any help to prevent her from being pregnant with her RAPISTS KID. Fuck that shit! 
Plus this redefinition would mean that many date rapes, statutory rape and use of date rape drugs or alcohol would not qualify unless there are enough bruises on her. She could have been threatened with a knife or gun, which wouldn't have physical evidence but would still be forcible. The issue being that the burden of proof is even more on the woman.