This is the theme of the 2011 NEDA (National Eating Disorders Awareness) week. The idea of talking about it is a complex and difficult thing for me. I found it easier to come out in the LGBT community than to tell people about my eating disorder. Mostly because I dont fit into the stereotypes of someone with an eating disorder. I have never been underweight or even close to being underweight and I fluxuate between disorders. I have many characteristics of anorexia such as preoccupation with weight, contstantly weighing myself and being able to calculate calories in my head, but I also have a tendency to binge eat when I am stressed out. I eat emotionally to cope with whatever and then later on I hate myself for it and restrict caloric intake. Sometimes to make it simple I just consider myself a bulimic because of the bingeing and occasional purging. I also have/had a problem with eating in front of people, being that I am obese, I constantly feel that people are going to judge me if I am seen eating. I feel like to be accepted I am supposed to be anorexic and losing weight and to be seen eating means I'm okay with being fat.
This all started to change around the end of January. In January my life started to fall apart; I wasn't graduating on time and I felt extremely alone, like no one in my life cared. But then during the very long decision making process I was going to minor in Mass Comm and make my dad proud...so on and so forth. Then I met this guy, he commented on my "got consent?" shirt and I was smitten. Ok, not quite smitten but intrigued by him. He got me involved with lighting in theatre, which is not really my thing but I got to play with tools, hangout on a catwalk and spend time with him. Seemed like a total win. And then it happened, we went out for dinner one night and I ate in front of him. I admit it felt a little awkward, but the point is I did it. Then a couple days later on my birthday, my friend Sam, aka: the greatest person alive, took me out to lunch for my birthday and I ate without question. I even shared a sundae with her, a huge rich sundae. And though I felt like I might die from all the food, I loved every minute of it. [Plus I beat Sam at Skeeball]
I know that may seem like a long tangent, but my point is I feel I am now in a place in my life where I can move passed my bulimia. It will always be with me but it doesn't have to consume me. I have people in my life who are making this possible because I dont believe in therapy and rehab. The most important thing you can have is an awesome support system. [Addy Rose, Sam, Kayla, Angie and all the other people who also dont have a clue how they may have helped me]
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