Insecurities and Abuse

Thursday in WS capstone, I realized something. People really don't see me as I am. My strong opinions and blunt way of expressing them apparently give off an air of confidence and security. But the funny thing is, I am not secure at all. If it wasn't for my opinions and how much feminist research I do, it would be more obvious, that I am one of the most insecure people ever. I have a rule that I use in my feminist classes and that is the trinity of knowledge: 1.) Know something 2.) Know what you know 3.) Know what you don't know. And with that you can easily sail through any class or argument.
But as for my insecurities, to start with I have terrible body image. I mean you dont have an eating disorder without it. I cant stand going out somedays because I dont feel I look good in anything I own. Occasionally, nights like last night happen where I wore what I planned and I felt amazing, people kept telling me that I looked good and for one night I actually felt beautiful and was not insecure about how I looked(only about how I was dancing). But on the other hand I received flowers the day before from one of my best friends "because it was beautiful people appreciation day" and I still didn't feel pretty at all.
I am also rather insecure when it comes to dating/relationships, but not about the other person cheating or anything else, but about whether I am good enough or why am I not good enough? This is how I end up in bad relationships or unhealthy attractions. Often I end up with someone/or liking someone who initially makes me feel special and then I beat myself up when it doesn't work or I no longer feel special. This goes back to the eating disorder thing. If something goes wrong or even if its just not right/never was gunna be right, I feel that it is my fault and I blame myself, always attacking my looks first and then everything else. I also have a tendency to fall for people who treat me like shit. Dont know why, I just do. But I would have to say my most abusive relationship is with myself.

Sometimes you need to be a B!TCH

I am going to be a B!TCH. Not that I wasn't already one, but I mean I am seriously done keeping my mouth closed. I am a Women's Studies major because frankly I love womyn and I love being a womyn. But frankly, at this point if it doesn't have to do with womyn, I dont care. I am not concerned with more of the deeper politics. I hate the Matrix of Domination and intersections of oppressions.
But back to me being a bitch, I have completely realized that 1.) I scare people even when I'm not trying, so why fight it. 2.) Nothing ever gets done when you spend all your time compromising. 3.) It is rare for anyone to even try to challege you or attempt to mess with you.  I have met a few men that this doesn't apply to, one of which finds pure joy in making me angry, but luckily part of being a bitch is finding pure joy in making someone else look stupid. I have heard on more than one account (this semester) that my role in life is to "cook, clean and look pretty for a man." This originally came up on light crew in theatre, I'm guessing he didn't catch the 'lesbian' card. But then I was told about a comment that was made in one of my classes that I missed about how women should be staying home with the kids and that women should have to follow certain codes of dress and so on... I'm a little sad/angry/annoyed that I missed class. But in retrospect the likelihood he would have said that with me in the room is slim.

Jesus was an Unplanned Pregnancy

"Representatives supporting MCCL talked of God, Jesus being an unplanned pregnancy and the need to speak out for the voiceless. "

I feel this is slightly more original than their usual material, but still very laugh-worthy and mockable. Frankly this eliminates the "slut" argument because supposedly she was a virgin(which could be scientifically possible, but highly unlikely). First, would abortion have really existed and would she have known or had access to it?  She was just lucky that she wasn't stoned to death for getting pregnant out of wedlock. Second, she still birthed and took care of the child, showing that she made a decision to carry on with the pregnancy and "God's wishes." She may have been delusional, but she still made a conscious decison to be the mother of this child. Third, there are other unplanned pregnancies that end in birth, why must everything focus around a guy who may or may not have been divine? And if he hadn't been "good" would they still desperately want to prevent abortions in his name.

Are Blogs the New Zines?

In the early to mid-90's the riot grrrl movement was writing zines and music about the oppressions of women and criticizing the media.  I don't feel that this has actually stopped, but in a way transformed into something else. With the age of technology that we are living in, it is more practical and wide reaching to blog instead of zine. But what is lost by this transition? There is less personal involvement and passion to blogging than when creating a zine.  There was more room for expression with zines, at least on an artistic level. Drawings and sometimes writing styles are lost in the world of online blogging. That amazing passion that can be seen in some of the zines is often derogatory and provocative. These women use words that have commonly been used to oppress them to reclaim and throw back at their oppressors. Like how Kathleen Hanna will right 'SLUT' on her arm in marker or lipstick while flaunting kinderwhore styles, these zines will use the word 'CUNT' to invoke power and a voice for women.  But what lines are now drawn on the internet. Am I able to be taken seriously when I swear and use 'offensive' language or is that something truly lost now that we do not print our rants, do people even listen to any critical media nowadays? How in your face can you get on the internet?

Fighting with Femininity

So there is femininity, masculinity and androgyny. And that's pretty much it. You can blend them together, they are not set in stone; but its really hard to be both feminine and masculine at the same time. One will take from the other. For the past year and a half I had embraced femininity as a power source, something that could make a statement and show strength, but I am finding that I dont even take myself seriously when I am feminine. But yet I also feel awkward masculine. Either way people stare at me in public and thats hard for me. I actually hate the attention, which is why its funny that I own so many tutus and all that glitter. I love them, yes. But I actually dont love wearing them, I feel embarrassed by them and wish I could crawl in a hole. For most people this would come as a shock. Many people think I like to wear crazy clothing, but really I only like to do it when I either not alone, or when I am doing something else that makes me feel uncomfortable like tabling or leading an activist thing. I need to distract people away from me.  I do this in drag as well, I wear crazy looking outfits so that people look at my clothes and not my lack of dancing ability.
My issue with being more masculine is that I've learned feminine mannerisms and ways of speaking and acting so well that it will be hard to not imploy them. I dont want to be dressing like a guy and acting like a cheerleader. I curse my first roommate, Kelli for teaching me how to walk and act like a girl! And then I get crap on both sides for how I act and dress. If I go too femme, Ange tells me I'm acting weak. If I go too butch(or butch at all) everyone at school looks at me funny and asks why I'm dressed like that. I can't win!! I dont know what's right for me, thats something I need to experiment with to find out. I worry now that I cut my hair into a boyish skater cut(it was supposed to be a longer fauxhawk) that I am going to get a lot of crap for it.
I feel like there is nothing I can do to please people and they are going to assume a lot of things about me, no matter what I decide. As a feminist I believe in validating people's choices, I just wish people took that concept into every facet of people's lives. I am PRO-CHOICE. A person's sexuality is their choice, gender presentation/clothing styles, who they date, what they believe, what they do with their body. As long as you are not harming another person(directly) do whatever you want. Its none of my business.

It's Time to Talk About It...

This is the theme of the 2011 NEDA (National Eating Disorders Awareness) week. The idea of talking about it is a complex and difficult thing for me. I found it easier to come out in the LGBT community than to tell people about my eating disorder.  Mostly because I dont fit into the stereotypes of someone with an eating disorder. I have never been underweight or even close to being underweight and I fluxuate between disorders. I have many characteristics of anorexia such as preoccupation with weight, contstantly weighing myself and being able to calculate calories in my head, but I also have a tendency to binge eat when I am stressed out. I eat emotionally to cope with whatever and then later on I hate myself for it and restrict caloric intake.  Sometimes to make it simple I just consider myself a bulimic because of the bingeing and occasional purging.  I also have/had a problem with eating in front of people, being that I am obese, I constantly feel that people are going to judge me if I am seen eating. I feel like to be accepted I am supposed to be anorexic and losing weight and to be seen eating means I'm okay with being fat.

This all started to change around the end of January. In January my life started to fall apart; I wasn't graduating on time and I felt extremely alone, like no one in my life cared. But then during the very long decision making process I was going to minor in Mass Comm and make my dad proud...so on and so forth. Then I met this guy, he commented on my "got consent?" shirt and I was smitten. Ok, not quite smitten but intrigued by him. He got me involved with lighting in theatre, which is not really my thing but I got to play with tools, hangout on a catwalk and spend time with him. Seemed like a total win. And then it happened, we went out for dinner one night and I ate in front of him. I admit it felt a little awkward, but the point is I did it.  Then a couple days later on my birthday, my friend Sam, aka: the greatest person alive, took me out to lunch for my birthday and I ate without question. I even shared a sundae with her, a huge rich sundae. And though I felt like I might die from all the food, I loved every minute of it. [Plus I beat Sam at Skeeball]

I know that may seem like a long tangent, but my point is I feel I am now in a place in my life where I can move passed my bulimia. It will always be with me but it doesn't have to consume me. I have people in my life who are making this possible because I dont believe in therapy and rehab. The most important thing you can have is an awesome support system. [Addy Rose, Sam, Kayla, Angie and all the other people who also dont have a clue how they may have helped me]

Misogynistic Men on Mondays: Justin Bieber!

Everyone should've known I'd be doing a piece on him after that Rolling Stone article he did. It's sad to see hair that good on a head that stupid.

If by some act of "god" you haven't heard what the 12 er 16 year old popstar said about abortion and rape and sex before marriage:

 "I don't think you should have sex with anyone unless you love them," Bieber says. When asked if he believes in abstinence until marriage, Bieber – who is reportedly dating fellow teen star Selena Gomez – seems wary: "I think you should just wait for the person you're...in love with."

So...the Biebs doesn't believe in waiting for marriage, which I can accept. But honestly just page through the Rolling Stone article and "god" comes up a lot. Which makes this viewpoint rather convienent especially since he has a girlfriend.

"I really don't believe in abortion," Bieber says. "It's like killing a baby." How about in cases of rape? "Um. Well, I think that's really sad, but everything happens for a reason. I don't know how that would be a reason. I guess I haven't been in that position, so I wouldn't be able to judge that."

I don't know many people who believe in abortion, I may but I'm different. "It's like killing a baby," No, its like extracting a tapeworm. "Baby" is an abstract concept of a post-natal fetus and is not a technical medical term.  But hell, he did have a song called "Baby" and it did repeat the word rather frequently, maybe its all he knows. But really the tapeworm is a parasite much like a human embryo or fetus and cannot survive outside of a host.

J Biebs says that rape is really sad.(na duh) But then "everything happens for a reason." WTF! Yes, I am a strong believer of Fate, but for someone to pretty much say that god decided you needed to be raped so that it would further his plan is bullshit! And I agree Bieber hasn't been in that position, he doesn't (as far as we know) have a uterus and vagina which could be raped and impregnanted. He also gives us no clear indication that he would never rape or hurt a woman, for all we know it would be god's plan for something like that to happen.

So yeah, I'm not all that happy with Justin Bieber. His songs are alright, I guess. But he has what the Virginian Pilot called "unpopular opinions." It's not that these are just unpopular, they are uneducated. I don't believe that we should discount a 16 year olds opinions because of their age, but I doubt he really has opinions.  It feels more like he is repeating what he has heard and doesn't know how to comprehend the complexities of his answers. He's against abortion and wants to portray being against it, but few Lifers will even say they say pregnancy as a result of rape is "meant to be."

My issue is really he's a guy thinking he has a say on women's bodies. I dont care if the kid was his from the girl the thought he was in love with and subsequently coerced into sex, he has no right to tell her she can't abort it. Plus Bieber has a huge teenage girl following and many of these girls do not have the own opinions either and he has most likely influenced many of them to believe that abortion is wrong and that rape isn't a crime. The day he became an icon, he was given a huge amount of social responsibility and he's not using it the way he should.